The medically expensive child

A big part of my many many worries is that I am a huge financial burden on my parents. More so, that they think my health is completely in my control and I am being dramatic

Since 2022 my parents have taken me to psychologists, psychiatrists, and general practitioners more often than I can count. And a two week trip to the psyche ward. I have a lot of experience with listening to my mother complain about medical aid and questions wheather or not I really need all the help I am getting

Although I have a history of self harm I often hear my mother say “it's just cause you're a teenager” and dismiss a lot of my emotions. I can't help but feel that she does this because of the financial strain and inconvenience my various doctors and medication bring.

She tries. I know she tries, but I can never shake the objective fact that having a child is a financial burden, and that I have more needs than most. She, too, is only human and regularly makes comments about draining the medical aid and how no one else can go to the doctor. It has become increasingly difficult to separate these comments from jokes, and genuine complaints

Shrouded in my own insecurities and fear of one day being told to my face that I am too much to handle. It has all taken a strain on my mental health.

There, is the the added burden of private School. Paying for my tuition and earlier This year I had to stay home for a few days due to unpaid fees. My mental health spiraled. Not because I had to stay home, because I knew they were struggling. And so the voices in my head started their usual spiel about how I'm “exhausting the people around me” how is easy is it to slip into depression and negative self talk?

One day I will rid myself of this hurt, and understand that they chose to have kids. I will listen to my mother when she says I should focus on myself and my academics. I will heed my therapists advice about not worrying about things I can't control. Unfortunately today is no such day.